I want a lover I don’t have to love

November 12, 2009
Normal, IL

I am nothing more than numbers and figures
A matrix-like replication
Of something less than charming
And I’ve been adding up my
Handsome little failures
And hanging them so I could see
The ink-blot stains of everything
I once thought I could believe in
And I’ve been counting… down.
I told you I would come home again for you…
I didn’t always mean to be
A robotic production of false hopes
And unreached high expectations
I’ve got secrets too
I never told you that summer
That I have always had a knack for letting go
I’ve gotten it down to a scientific
Progression of perfect lies and saved faces
And I never think ahead
Before impulse takes control
You know more than anyone that
If there could have been some form of redemption
There is only one person who could save me
Save me
Before I forget that motions and
Emotions are the same thing
And drip from my soul into my hands
Into every letter I’ve ever written you
Lies or not,
I meant every word I said.
But I treat hope like trust and
When it’s broken it’s irreparable
So you can call me pieces
If it makes you feel as though
You can finally have something of me
To hold onto
I’ve cut myself more times than you can imagine
To see if there’s something in there of you.

I’m still searching

For something for you to remember me by
When I finally forget that I am breathing
For a reason
And hold myself and my breath
So tightly
I’m tired of escaping
I’m tired of dreaming of places
I’m destined to never see again
Like the inside of your palms
And the palms in the west.
My hands are always face up
If you still need to take hold.
Or grasp something besides
Impossibilities.