some things come true. god, for example

My mother says she knew it was coming
This stagnant state of supposed comfort,
This knowing what I should do
Yet not being able to go through with it
This breaking and re-breaking of my heart
Until I have enough fragments
To ship to all the hearts I’ve collected
Over the years
I’ve become less loveable,
Less able to express myself
When I’m feeling boxed into a
Cubicle of adult loving
I am still my mother’s child
We don’t communicate
We sigh and haw and hem
Until the effort makes it seem as if
We have actually said something
She said to me
That all things can only be moved
Down
And from side to side
So when my heart jumps to the other side
Of my chest cavity
To avoid your kiss
I know that there is something deeper
When my cheeks float upward
To look down at you
I know that I am getting nowhere with this
And when I feel like I’m falling backward
Well then I tell myself that my mother was mistaken
There has to be more inside me
That can move in other directions
That the fluttering feeling I knew
Couldn’t be the ghost of all things
Broken
That it can come back and lift me higher
Than I feel I am in this life
At this moment
I am contemplating my movements
I’m shuffling and tiptoe-dancing
On top of memories from
Four months ago
When I said that the stars that shone down on me
Were only shining because I loved
I loved then
I don’t know what I am now
But I know that I am willing to bend more
I am willing to hold myself accountable
For not allowing myself to be lighter
Than the air I dreamed about
In the 12th grade on my apartment floor
When I was still certain
That I could make it to the mountains
And breathe in Heaven
I know we’ve felt it in the way we kissed
I know my body moved toward something
When we danced
I know that there has to be some echo
Of loving in me
And if I can find it then maybe I can save us.