big waves

when something more than god has broken me
into something less than who i pretended to be
and i have no choice but to listen
to the brass hopes of everything i
hoped to someday own
or at least vote for
when fingers that used to clutch mine
in desperation of dreaming
now move not to hold me up
but sling me down
farther than i've ever let myself go
when laughter splits the faults
in my fine-lined face/facade
and momentarily makes it okay
to not pretend that i am always myself
when i have refused to be mine
for so long that i cannot remember
whether or not i belong to god
or to hate signs carried by
people who hate themselves
more than they could ever love me
when the mirror image reads back something
no longer redeemable as truth
and spews out words i never even got a chance
to smile toward in wanting
when i can no longer [lie] easily beside you
while your heart thump thumps to
rhythms i tell myself i must snap to
so i can carry you into something beautiful
when i can no longer be redeemed
and even god laughs at my efforts to purge myself
and tells me my bones are getting
as weak as my morale
when i have repented so many times
that my repeated attempts at finally telling the truth
and asking you to forget,
leave only the option to lay down myself
and offer whatever is left
when every thing i never believed in
and every negative thing i made you,
spoke into existence, delivered to your soul
then promptly pretended to weep,
points back at me, swears me to my knees
and kisses my tears back into my hurt
that i may never complain
that i am always alone
then, then i will let you go there without me
and i will not form no on my mouth
and i will see you throw back big waves