i found the beginning of this poem... entry... thing in a journal entry from june 26, 2009.
that's all you need to know about this.


where will we put your love tonight?
there is no room in my heart;
my lungs are littered with "no's"
there are spaces between
where our arms touch
when you're standing beside
and reaching out for me.

where will we put your hurt?
the white that separates
the lines of every
love poem
i've ever thrown away
leaves a gaping hole
from here to chicago,
from there to the sea,
and maybe all those lines
will be swept away
by the underlying rip current
that no one ever sees.
i feel it every now and then
and get swept away
a heartbeat at a time,
but by the timei met you,
i'd already mastered
catching my own breath
and stilling my frantic thumping
with my tiny hands
and singing mantras in languages
meant to soothe my fever
and the waves.

where will we put your hurt?
there is red lightning
splitting the oakof our firmament.
there's aquiver in my step
that keeps me from
committing my sea legs
to walk on these fault lines
so when you ask me to bring you back
your heart,
so you can personally witness
that it is still beating
i can't help but hesitate.
so when it stops,
i know the
fault is all mine.
every line
and every syllable
sticks in my throat
and i've been
choking
on the words for
longer than i've known you;
you can hear the way
my chest echoes when i say
your name in that way
like i've
said it a million times
to too many faces
that knew i'd carry that line
to too many places
before it ended in the
lap pool of someone else's tears.
my fears
overshadowed everything
you could've been.
my skin
has never held anything but
my aching bones
and all you ever wanted
was to give me back my soul,
and give me love
to fill it up.
my instincts always kick in though.
and that current,
that Buckley current
that swept you under
so long ago
is the one i've been
swimming against
like trying to brave the storm
and all these natural disasters
only add to mynightmares
and my heart quakes
but i knowthey will never equal the ache
i can't cover up on your face
you've been asking lately
where i'm gonna put the blame.
you've been saying it will
take more than waves
to erase my name
from your lips.
you've been adding up all the times
i said i'm sorry
and the times i mightve actually meant it
you meant it
when you said you
would find a space near my heart
and plant yourself there
so when the next storm comes
and i find myself bare
i will notice
and i will put your love there.

certain words grow from my good intentions

words like distance can't touch us--

we are not unreachable

we are simply unfazed by roadblocks

i've gotten pretty good at

noticing the difference between words

like loveand infatuation.

this is clearly a case of both

i eat your Job stories

and remember how many times

i was tested before

i thought it might be a good time

to give in to the storm.

but you still had some things to teach me

like

some words are meant to stay rooted in the soul

and birth emotions that have no name

and wake your writing hand

to say promise me

you will never stop moving.

you tell me to consider myself

but i've always been selfish

in pleasing other people

so my good intentions end up

being just words

but your words are what drew me in

in the first place,

slapped me in the face

and forced me to stop saying 'no' so much.

i'm filling my pages with

the word 'yes',

it's been resounding from my chest walls

in symphonic single-syllable glory.

words grow from moments like this:

the second your lips left mine that last time,

there was a polymer glimmer

trailing me all the way backto the east coast.

so now every time i look back,

i see a donnie darko map line

leading me back to where my heart rests.

the only thing that saves me is the way i pour my heart

into that one sentence

we can't help but say

over and over again.