i know what freedom is.

obviously everyone's heard about maine.. maybe noone cried over it the way i did but godamn it kinda hurts. and people were so happy that it passed. people were literally jumping out of their seats with their hallelujah bibles and their rosary nooses and saying that it was god's will.

i think it's god's will for us to live freely. i think god wants all of us, whether we live the "good, Christian" life or we live "in irreperable sin". how i live shouldn't be allowed to be dictated by people who have nothing to do with it. as a gay man living in maine points out, these people aren't changed by Q1 passing... they'll get up and go to work and mow their lawns in their cul-de-sac just like any other day. it's our lives, our freedoms that are being pushed to the side and disregarded, quoted as abnormal unnatural and disgusting.

i know what freedom is.i've seen it. i've danced with it to no  music. i've sat with it and held hands when everyone was against it. i sang stupid songs with it and called it mine and everyone else's. i talked with it and held it but... i lost it. somehow. it may have been on the west coast or the streets of main or maybe new jersey... and everyone knew. they are flooding the streets, looking for my and their freedom. they are saying no to injustice and fighting for the simplicity of being.

america, you have broken my heart.

a little closer

today is my childhood best friend's, so close we just knew we were related, closest thing i've ever had to a real sister's birthday... and all i had to offer her were tips on how to grow her hair naturally. i forgot whose birthday it was until i stared at the date for long enough to recollect.

news:
i am horrible.

i have been neglecting my xanga duties to play housewife and slug of the  year. i haven't moved a pen except in the occasion that someone may need my hancock for the many purchases i've made since migrating west. i've also been dreaming of florida and wondering why i still feel guilty for choosing. i've been saying things in my head that don't quite make it out of my mouth or into my fingers. i've been missing you most in the spaces between blue and white and have been methodically erasing your memory to take away some of the burden. i've been tired for no reason and sleeping more than i ever have. i've been feeling unattractive, unproductive, and unresponsive. i've been loving, though. i've been loving like crazy and not forgetting that. i have lost myself here. not in a way that makes me weak, but in a way that makes me remember who i am, but realize i can be so much more than what i have been. i have been thinking. considering things. you. love.

it's a simple world. i know the way it works. and i know i'm not the first...

whenyouwantlove

i used to write stories... i called them poems and let you believe that they weren't about me or maybe they were in my past or maybe i didn't write them at all and i left them with you the last time i quietly backed away from all responsibility. I'm still not sorry. but I'm resenting the fact that you're the only one holding our history. there were a lot of things i meant to say, but didn't think of until later. i sent you letters to reconcile this but i don't feel so reconciled. i want more than your taking another page of my life and filing it away in your safe with all your hopes and all your failures. there is so much more than just walls. so much. if i told you that then, i only wrote for your approval, that i passed every class to get into the ivy league you thought you wanted, that i gave up my autonomy to make room for your dreaming, that i didn't even like the color green, really, until you told me that you loved bright eyes too. i used to love so much. everything was a wonder. everything was a clashing of thought, dream, and color, and now you have all of that tucked safely away so neither of us have to blur the edges. what if i told you that nothing blurs for me anymore? i have seen things sharper and clearer than than the lake we danced on and the stars you refused to wish on. what if i told you i am tired of hiding the fact that i knew you fell deeper than you ever let on?



in and out of windows...